Universal Laws Affecting Competitive Swimmers

(much like Sir Issac Newton’s laws of motion)

*Law of Competitive Gravity*

When left unattended, a swimmer will gravitate to the worst technique possible.

*Law of Inertia*

A swimmer at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A swimmer in motion will tend to rest as soon as possible unless acted upon by an outside force.

*Conservation of Matter*

Matter or Mass can niether be created nor destroyed, except by 11-18 year old females, when it can magically appear in the most inopportune places and quantities imaginable.

*Opposition Principle*

When asked to kick rapidly, swimmers tend not to; when told not to kick, swimmers tend to kick rapidly.

*Space, Time Continuum*

When swimming Breaststroke or Butterfly in practice, swimmers hands are attracted to the turning wall, each hand at a different speed, at different times, at different points not in the same plane.

*Laws of Acceleration & Momentum*

The law of acceleration may only apply for 3 minutes after coach reminds swimmer it is important, then the law of Momentum becomes dominant soon to be replaced by the law of Inertia.

*Law of Static Levels*

Swimmers will automatically seek their own comfort level and tend to attract others to so the same.

*Mind over Matter*

The mind can overcome many obstacles during competition but the same does not usually apply during practices.

*Law of Finite Attraction*

Even after carefully explaining the efficiency and effectiveness of an ideal stroke rate, within 3 minutes swimmer will invariably lose the ability to count strokes and think about any related concept. See similar anomaly under Law of Acceleration.


The position of the swimmer’s body in relation to the position it is supposed to be in, may vary up to + or – 100%.

*Vertical and Horizontal Telemetry*

When rotated 90 degrees from the vertical to supine or sublime position, the brain loses most of its ability to function.

*Historical Principle of Babylon*

Within 3 minutes of the start of coach speaking, the swimmers begin hearing unrecognizable tongues. See similar anomaly under Law of Finite Attraction.

*Fluid Mechanics*

The amount of fluids the bladder can retain is directly proportional to the difficulty of the middle of the current practice set. The same principle seems to apply to ripping caps and broken goggle straps, but no scientific evidence connecting the 3 has been documented.